Osborne revealed as internet hoax

A man purportedly working for the Conservative Party as Chancellor of the Exchequer has been revealed to be a hoax.
 

---

Emily Rosengreen

The FET, Monday 20th June

Other Articles

---

“George Osborne” gained notoriety throughout the United Kingdom and abroad by initiating cuts in welfare benefits and outlining other plans to reduce the fiscal deficit.

However, recent doubts about his legitimacy have culminated in his exposure as Afsana al-Rashid, a lesbian blogger from Saudi Arabia.

The news has been a blow to right-wing economists in Britain, many of whom feel that the hoax has seriously damaged the cause of fiscal conservatism. It is feared that other millionaires who really are directing economic policy may now be dismissed as frauds.

David Cameron, a Conservative multi-millionaire and Prime Minister of the United Kingdom, has declared his disappointment that al-Rashid was not uncovered sooner.

“Ideally, since George turned out to be fictitious, it would have been best to sort this all out before we let him deliver the budget,” Cameron told reporters.

Others, however, claim that they had suspected Osborne all along. Frank Munton, a right-wing blogger and economics enthusiast, says that Cameron was “a fool” for not seeing the signs.

“The back-story was just a little bit too stereotypical to be believable,” said Munton. “A member of the Irish aristocracy, heir to a baronetcy, a member of the Bullingdon club. It sounds like just the sort of thing that some leftist would dream up to mock us.”

“And then you hear that his first name was actually Gideon. That’s when the penny dropped that it was definitely a hoax.”

Confirmation of the hoax was established when the photos used to depict Osborne were traced back to the LinkedIn profile of an accountant from Bedford.

While al-Rashid has apologised for misleading the British electorate, she maintains that her actions were designed only to attract wider attention to the issue of deficit reduction.

Statue scandal hands Al-Qaeda leadership to Ayman al-Zawahiri

Osama Bin Laden's replacement wins landslide thanks to opponent's indiscretion.
 

---

Emily Rosengreen

The FET, Thursday 16th June

Other Articles

---

Zawahiri was announced today as the new leader of Al-Qaeda after former frontrunner Ahmed Abdullah Bumchiyk resigned. Bumchiyk, until today Al-Qaeda Minister for Work and Pensions, was forced to step down after commissioning a lewd ivory statue of himself.

The position at the top of Al-Qaeda opened up in May when former top dog Osama Bin Laden was killed by US forces in Pakistan. The process to choose a new leader began shortly afterwards with Bumchiyk taking an early lead in the opinion polls.

Bumchiyk used his ministerial role in the Islamist welfare state to attract older voters. However, his recent indiscretions have led to a rapid decline in his popularity.

Ahmed Haddad, Minister for Sport and Culture, described Bumchiyk as having been “the fresh new face in Al-Qaeda politics.”

“He represented a new kind of Al-Qaeda politician: a softer, more compassionate form of extremism. He was the darling of the terrorist left. They loved him.”

Members of Al-Qaeda have been very careful not to reveal in what way Bumchiyk’s statue caused offense, and the statue itself has now been destroyed. However, some sources claiming to have seen the statue say that the upper crease of the backside was discernable through the robe.

EMA cuts could ruin alcohol trade

The government’s plans to cut the weekly allowance for students is causing concern in the alcohol industry.
 

---

Nathan Lynett

The FET, Wednesday 19th January

Other Articles

---

The Education Maintenance Allowance currently provides 16-19 year-olds from poorer backgrounds with between ten and thirty pounds a week.

While some students are believed to be blowing the money on school-related costs, such as books and travel, the majority of recipients have been contributing to the retail sector through heavy purchasing of alcopops and cheap lager.

However, as part of the general scheme of cutbacks in welfare, the government is planning to remove the EMA on account of it being “wasteful”.

The announcement has led to heavy criticism from the Labour Party and a flurry of student protests across the country.

The leader of the Labour Party Ed Milliband has described the cuts as a threat to the economic recovery, citing the alcohol trade as an area with considerable potential for growth.

“At a time of general despair like this, lots of people are turning to drink and we should be encouraging them” said Milliband.

“But instead, David Cameron wants to stop some of our most passionate binge drinkers, those in their late teens, by taking away the money that’s funding it.”

The chancellor George Osborne has responded to these criticisms by emphasising his commitment to an economy that is strong on alcohol. He insisted that the money saved by cancelling the EMA would be channelled into more efficient economic stimuli.

“We appreciate the importance of the alcohol industry, but we don’t think that the EMA is the best way to help that sector” said Osborne. “Students simply aren’t reliable enough drinkers, and the EMA isn’t sufficiently targeted on alcohol consumption.”

“We think that this money would be better invested in the homeless and those with a history of alcohol dependence.”

A representative of the student protesters in Dudley described the accusation that students are not reliable consumers of alcohol as “laughable”. Many young people also fear that a decline in drinking could lead to fewer jobs being created in the bottling industry and the social care sector.

Clegg sued for criticising UK libel

Nick Clegg's attempts to reform libel legislation backfire.
 

---

Emily Rosengreen

The FET, Monday 10th January

Other Articles

---

The deputy prime minister Nick Clegg is being sued by Tony Blair for comments that he has made about the UK libel laws.

The British system is renowned for offering particularly strong legal protection to those who feel that they have been subjected to unfair public criticism. Many people now fear that the threat of legal action is curtailing freedom of speech.

In a speech on civil liberties, Clegg blamed the Labour party under Blair for failing to tackle the issue before it got out of hand. He accused the former prime minister of having “overlooked a pretty significant problem with our legal system”.

A range of similar attacks were printed on Clegg’s website and distributed on the social media website Twitter.

Blair, having described the allegations as “inflammatory and completely untrue”, is now known to be in the process of suing the Lib Dem leader.

“The is absolutely nothing wrong with the way that Britain handles defamation”, Blair told reporters at a press conference. “And unless Nick Clegg can definitively prove that there is, I will be looking for at least six figures in damages”.

Blair has justified his taking legal action by claiming that this incident may result in personal financial loss. His lawyers are believed to be compiling evidence to show that a slight against his personal integrity could seriously damage sales of his autobiography.

“My entire public career has been based upon having an unblemished character. The last thing I want is for this to damage my credibility as a Middle East peace envoy.”

Clegg, being in the fortunate position of having examined the libel laws very recently, is understood to be entertaining little hope of prevailing in court. It is expected that his only reasonable strategy will be to overturn the current legislation before Blair can successfully sue him.

Telegraph makes Cable apology

The Daily Telegraph defends Vince Cable against its own undercover reporting allegations.
 

---

Emily Rosengreen

The FET, Monday 3rd January

Other Articles

---

This morning’s edition of The Daily Telegraph included an apology to Vince Cable for “misleading statements” made by the newspaper.

The Business Secretary was humiliated last week when it was revealed that he had boasted of planning to “beat Rupert Murdoch to death with my schlong” to two undercover female journalists.

Cable was consequently stripped of his authority over Murdoch’s BSkyB takeover bid, and replaced by the Culture Secretary Jeremy Hunt. Hunt immediately moved to demonstrate his neutrality by attending a private meeting with Murdoch on the media tycoon’s luxury yacht.

However, in a startling about-face, The Telegraph is now calling for Cable’s reinstatement, claiming that their treatment of him had been unjust. Most notably, last week’s description of Cable taking off his shirt and cracking peanuts with his biceps has been retracted.

“We feel that our reporting of the peanut incident failed to do justice to Vince Cable’s class, charisma and really quite extraordinary talent”, stated the apology. “The ladies were genuinely impressed.”

Tony Gallagher, the editor of The Telegraph, told reporters that he deeply regretted setting up the sting. “It was really very unkind of us. We have tarnished the reputations of married men before, but I feel that we went a step too far with Vince.”

“The reporters working undercover were really outrageously pretty. We feel that Vince wouldn’t have acted as he did if they hadn’t been on strict orders to giggle continuously and drop hints that they found opinions about media regulation to be a sexual turn-on.”

The Daily Telegraph has not been alone in publicly defending Vince Cable. Since the government transferred media policy to the Department of Culture, Media and Sport, The Guardian, The Independent, The Daily Mail and thirty-five other newspapers and television stations have come out in support of the beleaguered business secretary.

This demonstration of solidarity has included fourteen criticisms of the undercover reporting, twelve warm appraisals of Cable’s career, a front page analysis of his British lineage reaching back to the sixteenth century from The Daily Mail, and no less than twenty-nine assertions of his sexual decency and all-round marital regularity.

The government has yet to respond to this surge of media support for Cable, but it is thought that any attempt to remove Jeremy Hunt’s new responsibilities and reinstate Cable would be seen as political indecisiveness.

Hunt has been unavailable for comment on the subject since Wednesday, as he is currently working on the Murdoch takeover case from his new holiday home in the Canary Islands.

Pipsqueak insult may damage ministers' reputations

Emily Rosengreen has been looking into the recent parliamentary row over the cancelled school building programmes.
 

---

Emily Rosengreen

The FET, Sunday 18th July

Other Articles

---

Ministers fear that Tom Watson’s attack upon Michael Gove in the House of Commons could cause significant harm to parliament’s already damaged reputation.

Tempers were raised in the Commons when Watson, the Labour MP for West Bromwich East, voiced his outrage concerning Gove’s handling of a list about school building programmes. His use of the word “pipsqueak” has attracted rebuke for threatening the public image of politicians.

The list in question detailed which building projects would continue and which would be terminated. Gove, the Conservative Education Secretary, has been accused of irresponsibility for the manner in which the list was made public. Furthermore, the list contained twenty-five errors, misinforming some schools about the status of their building programmes.

Following an apology made by Gove in the House of Commons, Watson called him a “miserable pipsqueak” and accused him of having “cynically raised the hopes” of people affected by the errors.

David Miliband, the frontrunner for the Labour Party leadership, has called the incident a “travesty” and insisted that Watson’s insult did not reflect upon the Labour Party as a whole.

Speaking to reporters yesterday, Miliband insisted that word choice is important, and that if Watson was going to use insulting language he should “try to say something cooler next time”.

“In private he can use whatever language he likes, but in the House of Commons we have to keep up appearances. Words like ‘pipsqueak’ make us sound like we’re a bunch of toffs.”

David Cameron has taken the opportunity to criticise the Labour Party, claiming that this incident marks a shift in British politics. Cameron told reporters that the Conservatives were no longer the “stuffy, out-of-touch party” and that this title now belonged to Labour.

“I was speaking to Michael about the incident and he called Tom Watson a douchebag, which I think goes to show how different our two parties are.”

While the Conservatives may have benefited from Watson’s choice of language, the Prime Minister admitted that Gove’s actions have been equally damaging, “it’s no good being down with the kids if you’re also utterly incompetent.”

In addition to these problems, the government may be facing legal action from councils and private construction companies that have suffered as a result of the cancelled building programmes.

BP's crude oil plan fails

Stuart Hawkslee has been examining BP's unsuccessful attempt to create an environmentally friendly oil transportation system.
 

---

Stuart Hawkslee

The FET, Tuesday 8th June

Other Articles

---

BP, Britain’s largest oil company and one of the world’s environmental thought-leaders, has suffered a major setback in their latest attempt to save the world from climate change.

Having been greatly concerned by the environmental cost of transporting crude oil via pipe lines, BP’s CEO Tony Hayward sought a more natural means to distribute fossil fuels. Inspired by BP’s recent sweeping changes and new large-scale commitments to renewable energy sources, Hayward turned to the natural power of the sea to revolutionise oil transportation.

The Deepwater Horizon oil rig in the Gulf of Mexico was chosen as the site for BP’s first experiment, and on April 22 the rig was submerged to allow crude oil to flow into the surrounding waters. Hayward described the plan as “groundbreaking” and “very exciting” at a press conference the following day.

“We expect that the ocean currents in that area will direct several streams of oil to various points along the east coast of the USA, to Mexico and to Brazil.”

Hayward also indicated that BP, originally known as British Petroleum and more recently Beyond Petroleum, might change its name to Beyond Pipelines if the experiment proved to be successful.

However, BP’s faith in the environment’s ability to reliably organise the distribution of 500,000 gallons of crude oil per day appears to have been misplaced. Instead of sending neat streams to the required locations, the forces of nature have allocated the vast majority of the oil to the state of Louisiana. Hayward admitted to reporters yesterday that nature had “got it all wrong”.

“Louisiana simply doesn’t need that much oil. It’s a huge waste. There are shortages all along the east coast, while in Louisiana they have more than they could ever have dreamt. Even the wildlife is rolling in the stuff.”

BP and other environmentalist groups have now expressed fears that the failed operation could lead to a public backlash. Rex Tillerson, CEO of Exxon Mobil, has been vocal about his concerns. “We worry that people will lose faith in the reliability of water. This distribution error on the part of nature could have serious repercussions for our hydroelectricity programme.”

Efforts are now being directed to the recapture of released oil in order to limit the damage done to nature’s reputation. Early reports suggest that the Lower Marine Riser Package Cap Containment System could be capturing as much as 462,000 gallons of oil per day.

Pope in abuse blame controversy

Diana Penhale examines recent developments in the Catholic child abuse scandal.
 

---

Diana Penhale

The FET, Tuesday 11th May

Other Articles

---

The pope has today made significant concessions to the anti-molestation wing of society by admitting for the first time that the Catholic church is to blame for the child abuse scandal. A great amount of support for these comments has already been voiced by the more liberal members of the Catholic hierarchy. However, there are suspicions that discontent may be brewing among traditionalists in the Vatican.

For months the Catholic church has been forced to deal with mounting cases of sexual abuse from across the globe. In small numbers these instances proved manageable, with the church authorities able to resolve such conflagrations through the relocation of priests to different parishes. However, as more and more parishes became occupied by abusive priests, the church has been forced to seek alternative solutions.

In recent weeks the church has been leaning towards a radical policy of attempting to eliminate child abuse altogther. Many influencial Catholics have fiercly opposed this change, calling it an unreasonable encroachment upon their personal freedom. However, its supporters have emphasised that it may be the only practical solution to problem of priest-child infatuations interfering with parochial duties.

The pope’s words have escalated this conflict by accepting moral responsibility for the issue of clerical child abuse. Up until now, the church was able to remain coy about any courses of action that it might take. The previous policy of placing the blame with secular society, the media and the children themselves afforded the church the option of cancelling efforts to eliminate child abuse should an alternative solution be found. Traditionalists now fear that the pope has irreversably committed the church to hardline abolishonism.

However, supporters of this decision have emphasised that the pope’s words were carefully crafted to suggest a path forward that is very positive for the Catholic church. The scandal, said Pope Benedict, is the result of “sin within the church”. The conceptualisation of the abuse scandal as sin may indicate that the pope intends to tackle the problem with an increase in strict religious observance rather than a decrease in sexual encounters with adolescent boys.

The watery demise of an island

Our environmental specialist Stuart Hawkslee examines the impact of rising sea levels on politics.
 

---

Stuart Hawkslee

The FET, Saturday 8th May

Other Articles

---

How can you determine whether two countries engaged in a territorial dispute truly care for the land in question? In the case of a small island in the Bay of Bengal, it appears that neither India nor Bangladesh were quite as concerned as their military threats in the 1980s suggested.

Known as New Moore to the Indians, and South Talpatti to the Bangladeshis, this small island once warranted regular visits from Indian naval gunships. Presumably it was believed that valuable natural resources might lie beneath the surface.

However, if either country had maintained even a passing interest in this once contested territory, they might have noticed that it is no longer there. Less than thirty years after its appearance in the 1970s, it has retreated back below the waves.

While New South Moorpatti’s passing generated little interest, some quite heated disputes could plausibly be brought to a close by rising sea levels. The Israel-Palestine conflict springs to mind. The coastal Gaza Strip is at risk, not to mention the West Bank, much of which is already below sea level.

What about Britain’s remaining overseas interests? Gibraltar and the Falkland Islands are sources of tension to this day. It is good to know that climate change, for all the damage that it may cause, could potentially improve our relations with Spain and Argentina.

But is this such a bad thing? Would we really prefer to be eating like the apostles, with a few bits of bread and the odd potato? Thirteen Easter eggs is an awful lot, especially when consumed in the space of four days, but the occasional waffle?

Some disputes, however, seem destined to be resolved through other means. Tibet’s struggle for independence from the People’s Republic of China, for example. With the rate of sea level increase as it is, it would take well over a million years (and an as yet undiscovered source of extra water) for the Tibetan capital Lhasa to be submerged.

As it happens, much of the Earth’s low-lying land is disputed by no one at all. What is there to be gained from the loss of the Netherlands, Micronesia or New York? If the Fens are swallowed up by the North Sea, the only dispute that will be avoided is the Boat Race. Would that be worth it? I think not.

Unlike New South Moorpatti, Cambridge would be missed, and so would many of these places threatened by rising sea levels. Such as Norwich, or Bury St Edmunds. And perhaps also Florida. And if in a million years or so Tibet follows them, and if anyone is still alive to see it, I expect that Tibet would be missed as well.

Easter Obesity

Easter has changed a lot in the past two thousand years. Nathan Lynett discusses the role of food in the Easter experience.
 

---

Nathan Lynett

The FET, Tuesday 27th April

Other Articles

---

How many chocolate eggs did you eat this Easter? A recent survey says that children between the ages of ten and fourteen consumed an average of thirteen Easter eggs this year. That’s a whopping five-and-a-half pounds of chocolate.

For those of you unfamiliar with imperial measurements, five-and-a-half pounds is roughly the same weight as a laptop computer. A sobering thought. “What’s that?” I hear you cry, you readers with experience of midwifery, “the same weight as a small newborn baby?” Yes. Yes, indeed.

When I was born I weighed five-and-a-half pounds. A modern-day festive snack, to be wolfed down over a long weekend. However, unlike the thirteen-egg Easter feasts of today, I did not contain 650 grams of fat. You would have needed to eat about three of me to keep up with the times.

It seems that Easter, once a celebration of fertility and new life, has degenerated into an excuse for gluttony, following hot on the heels of binge-filled Christmases and alcoholic New Years.

Where can we turn? To the Church? Apparently not. Even Christianity has been tainted by the “super-size me” culture. A study of paintings of the Last Supper has shown that the amount of food depicted has increased by two thirds over the last thousand years. The result could hardly be called decadence, but the message is clear nonetheless.

But is this such a bad thing? Would we really prefer to be eating like the apostles, with a few bits of bread and the odd potato? Thirteen Easter eggs is an awful lot, especially when consumed in the space of four days, but the occasional waffle?

While obesity is responsible for reducing life expectancy by an average of six years, it could potentially save millions of lives. In the USA weight issues now comprise the leading medical reason for the rejection of potential military recruits. A group of prominent officers have recently described this as a serious threat to national security.

Are you thinking what I’m thinking? Could we scoff our way to world peace? Up until now the wave of obesity emanating from America and sweeping across Europe has been looked upon with horror. But what if it continued? To Israel, to Iran, even to North Korea.

Have you ever seen obese people at war? It’s called sumo wrestling. Very few people die from sumo wrestling and everyone gets to eat as many Easter eggs as they like.