Osama Bin Laden's replacement wins landslide thanks to opponent's indiscretion.
The FET, Thursday 16th June
Zawahiri was announced today as the new leader of Al-Qaeda after former frontrunner Ahmed Abdullah Bumchiyk resigned. Bumchiyk, until today Al-Qaeda Minister for Work and Pensions, was forced to step down after commissioning a lewd ivory statue of himself.
The position at the top of Al-Qaeda opened up in May when former top dog Osama Bin Laden was killed by US forces in Pakistan. The process to choose a new leader began shortly afterwards with Bumchiyk taking an early lead in the opinion polls.
Bumchiyk used his ministerial role in the Islamist welfare state to attract older voters. However, his recent indiscretions have led to a rapid decline in his popularity.
Ahmed Haddad, Minister for Sport and Culture, described Bumchiyk as having been “the fresh new face in Al-Qaeda politics.”
“He represented a new kind of Al-Qaeda politician: a softer, more compassionate form of extremism. He was the darling of the terrorist left. They loved him.”
Members of Al-Qaeda have been very careful not to reveal in what way Bumchiyk’s statue caused offense, and the statue itself has now been destroyed. However, some sources claiming to have seen the statue say that the upper crease of the backside was discernable through the robe.